"The nearer the dawn, the darker the night" - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I found this saying on the pack of Mentos Gum. I instantly fell in love with it. Not cause it sounds like the phrase from 'The Dark Knight' lol. I love it cause I actually lived it. I'm actually still living a part of it....... the last part. lol. Allow me to explain.

My life, especially in this past year and a half has had quite a few ups considering it was going nothing but down. Life itself was becoming very dark. Friends whom I've been close to for years started walking away. Some making their own life, others just wanting me in their life. People whom I trusted, despite being hurt so many times in the past, once again proved my paranoia right and stabbed me in the back. Life itself had flipped upside down. I caught a spark of light when this wonderful woman walked into my life. She was a soft glimmer of hope and love. I grew to fall in love with her. Unfortunately, life had its own agenda in trying to break me even further.

This woman who managed to steal my heart with who she was as a person. I learned to call her "perfectly imperfect" for she was the closest thing to perfect in this system as you can get. She was perfect for me. Everyone has problems though and she was no exception. We both had been going through a rough time in our lives. We learned to try and balance each other by help that we needed it. Call it what you will but I still feel that she was my biggest ally and I depended on her so much, with my life even.

Things in one point did take a turn for the worst though. Its like once you think you finally see a way up, something knocks you off your feet and kicks you while you're down. Unfortunately, it happened to the both of us. People I thought could be trusted to be there for me were the ones to speak things behind my back. It hurt me so much but what hurt most was the effect that it had on my life. How one person after another was just pounding against me to the one I loved and cherished most in this world. Things in my life took such a tool and made my world so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of me. I couldn't hear anything but an echo of anger and doubt all around me.

But, all of a sudden, a spec of light illuminated as a beacon some distance away. I thought it was some kind of Morse code to draw me near. I was too frightened to walk to it cause I couldn't bare anymore pain. But I saw the light getting a little bigger, a little brighter. Then I starting hearing whispers again and I panicked and closed my eyes, covered my ears and wished it all away. But this warm feeling came through me. These warm, soft hands grabbed my hands and pulled on them gently. These watery, worried eyes stared into mine. A tender and heartfelt kiss on the forehead and a heavy hug embraced me. I managed to wipe away my tears enough to take in my surroundings. There in my embrace was my heart, my love...... my everything. and standing on either side of my were two more people. I came to realize they too were embracing me and rubbing my back in reassurance. The echoes stopped and all I heard was the soft, loving words of the one who has cradled me in love.

I have they immense priviledge and honor to be in love with my best friend. She shares my thoughts, my life and most importantly, my heart. Also to either side of me, I have the two best friends that I could ask for. A loyal friend who has been a very wise and loving brother since we met. We might have gone through some things but when push came to shove, we stood strong by each other. I'm forever indebted to him as my brother. On the other hand, I have my sister, my best friend. She's a tough cookie and must always be fabulous, but she's there when I need her. She's there to keep me on the straight and arrow. I shall be indebted to her eternally as well. These 3 people are my team, my family and my life. I love them all dearly and they all have saved me from this dark abyss of life.

So that's why I fell in love with this phrase. I've been in the darkest part of my life but I see the sun coming up. I'm still not out but I will be soon. Thanks to my best friends. I love you guys so much. This one is for you guys. We shall forever be friends, we shall forever love each other, we will forever be family.

Love my baby Christina Luz Diaz
Love my brother Mariano Valle
Love my sister Shaskya Yamille Yapor

-Jes

"Be Careful What You Ask For"

Funny saying cause it embarks more than what a person may want but also what they might cause. Feel me? Let me explain.

Some people go on and on explaining how people should truly be like with their actions and words. Those same people who think things should be spoken out respectfully and adult-like turn around and do some sort of actions to the contrary. Some people may make subliminal messages meant to target certain people then play dumb when they are confronted by it. Others making hurtful jokes at other's expense and yet try to make that person seem all sorts of wrong when something remotely similar in done in return. Some people even take steps to stabbing people indirectly by gossip or some other action and again play dumb about it all. Those people make me laugh cause at the end of it, they are the real jerks whether they want to face the facts or not. It's times like those when you see people's true colors.

So this is where the saying comes in. "Be careful what you ask for" implies people's actions as well. Some preach about family and loyalty yet take actions against it. Why? That's beyond my comprehension. But, by making those actions, you're asking to be alienated. You're asking to be treated like those who you treat. So be careful what you ask for cause you just might get it and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

-Jes

"I Don't Care" by Jeremy Passion

"Home Is Where The Heart Is"

Time for another blog. It's been a while but its something that kind of came to me. I'm not making a scientific breakthrough or anything but, its my post and I claim what I write. lol.

ok. I put the title of this blog "Home Is Where The Heart Is" because I found myself wanting and yearning to go home. A thought came to me.... what is it you ask? Stop begging, I'll tell you. How do you find home?

Sure, there is a feature on my GPS that I can push the 'Go Home' button and it'll give me turn by turn directions to get to said place. That's not the point though is it? Of course not. Too many times have I arrived to the destination and still have a whole missing where I'm left hurting in a way I didn't understand. I kept asking what was wrong with myself. It didn't hit me until I was driving one night with some people who are very dear to me. That old saying "Home Is Where The Heart Is" took a new and more purposeful meaning to it. I don't mean to say that I don't have a feeling of home with my parents here. Of course I do but its taken a different role. Now that I'm older, I'm different. As their son, I'll always have a piece of home in them. But, as a man, home means a whole lot more.

Home isn't only where the heart is. Home is where you heart, mind and (if you be it) soul is. Home is not a place rather than a feeling of true safety and trust. Home is a place where you can stand unguarded and not fear harm. Unfortunately, some people don't truly know the freeing feeling to come with having a home. Luckily for me, I've found such a place. I admit it's hard to get to sometimes but when I'm home I enjoy every single moment of it. Where is my home you might ask? Well, that's another blog in itself. All I'll say now is that there is absolutely no place like my home <3

-Jes

New "Old" Obsession

So I've been listening to a song almost non-stop lately. Which song? "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down.

When I first heard about the song, for some reason, I thought the title meant that it was like a "moving on" or "I don't need you" kind of song. I could not be any more wrong.

When I heard the song and listened to the lyrics, its more of a song talking about how much one misses another. It also talks about not letting go of the one you love. I guess that's why I love it so much. The parts that call out to me the most is, I guess its called the bridge. The part that says:

"Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love"

I love it cause I understand and agree with it completely. No matter what life throws your way, love can't be taken away from you. I know through experience that sometimes things can really hit rock bottom but love? It never was taken away from me. It was hard to hold on at times but it prevails. It endures all. I really love this song and if you haven't heard in a while or not at all, listen to it NOW!! It's the song of life. Enjoy it ;-)

-Jes

I Really Don't Mean It

I realized something today. Sometimes I screw up, sometimes I'm screwed. lol. But this isn't my confession. I knew that for a while. Nope. My confession is something that might be a little wierd for some people. Are you ready for it?........ you sure?....... ok then. I'll try and explain it as best I can then.

You know how people have a disagreement? It doesn't necessarily have to be an argument but it can be a difference that affects both people. Well, a lot of couple and friends, well, people in general go through it. Almost all of them, especially between couples and best friends, have something I call the "We're Gonna Be Ok Factor"

Well, I had a few of those. Some come and go but I see that one hasn't changed yet. At least not for me and that makes me smile :-) You see? When people have a disagreement, some people, like me, look for that "factor" to make sure that despite anything, we still love and care for each other. It's something as simple as a poke or something.

I can't lie, its even going on now. I said something kind of stupid today but, though I feel like the only dummy, I know its gonna be ok cause I'm getting that signal through Facebook. Yea. Facebook of all places. lol. Each time I get a poke now I'm smiling cause inside I know that its being sent with that same intention on the other end. *smh* Love has some weird ways to get a point across. lol.

So people, when people bug you about something silly, sometimes its those things that matter most and that you miss most when times are rough. Enjoy it. I know I am. I used to be like -______- really? must you poke me?....... now I'm checking to see if I got any and I'm cheesin' like a dork when I get one. You would think I'm actually getting poked in the stomach and giggling like the Philsbury Doughboy. lol. Anyways, basically, when I say stop poking me. I REALLY DON'T MEAN IT!!!! what I actually mean is, I WANT YOU CLOSER. I NEED YOU!!! so poke me more DAMMIT!! lol :-P

Well, thats my talking to you all that shall are "Semper in Corde Meo".

Stay beautiful people
-Jes

Dark Times With A Bright Light

I once thought that once a part of you dies, its gone forever and that its the most painful thing I had to go through. Sadly its not true. I died a few times already and each time hurt more than the last. I feel broken. I feel....... like a part of me is missing. So much pain and confusion runs through my mind that it makes me buckle to my knees and just....... quit.

But I never gave up. I never surrendered and I shall never do such a thing even down to my last breath. I guess you can say I'm strong willed. I should be a Green Lantern :-) Okay. Maybe not that much but my point is that, I don't know what to do or say right now, I don't even know what I'm feeling. One thing I do know is that there is one thing I want more than anything in the world.

See, I fell in love with the realest and most special person I've ever met. She is beautiful beyond words. She got eyes like I've never seen before. Her smile stops time. Her laugh? Makes my heart smile on its darkest hour. Her voice soothes like the soft ripples of a river. She is also one of the toughest cookies I know. lol. I spent a long time trying to break down any wall she kept up trying to guard her heart but guess what? I made it there anyway and its the warmest place I've ever been. She is very protective of many people and tries so hard to please so many cause her heart is that big. That greatest quality is also her biggest weakness. She's tries so hard but some people take advantage of that. She is strong willed for sure. If she wants something, she'll get it and sometimes people might see her as bossy or over-protective. Some may even say she doesn't like what to be told. You know what I say to that? BS!!!!

I know her. Sure things stress her out and she has to vent sometimes. Who doesn't? But what people don't see is who she is inside and those same people neglect how perfect she is. Let me tell you something, this woman has been through it all. Nobody wants a "perfect" girl. I can't stand women who swear they are God's gift to men cause they look good or they got a lot of men after them. They aren't nothing. This woman that I'm in love with? She's the real deal, she's perfectly imperfect as I say. Her heart is pure in the realest possible way. Sadly, sometimes she underestimates herself but you know what? Thats what I'm here for. I wouldn't hesitate to do anything for her. I would never leave her. I would never stop loving her. I tell her that she has my heart but you know what? That's an understatement. She IS my heart.

So no matter what I'm going through. No matter what I'm feeling. The one thing I know to be true is my undivided and loyal love for her. People want to come in the way of that and we may argue here and there but at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. She is my future. I'm giving her my all and a little more. So basically, no matter who, what, where, when, how or even why.......... I love you baby. FYFM <3

And don't you ever forget it. EVER!!!

"Once You Hit The Bottom There Is No Where To Go But Up"

It's an odd saying but its definitely true. I find that its the phrases that are the most blunt that are the closest to real life. No fairy tale to life. I've been hurt and even broken where I felt the whole world break down on me. I fell in love with the most amazing woman I had ever met. Unfortunately circumstances caused so much stress and strain between us that there was no way to see which way was up. I had to understand that I can't be the hero and change everything, especially things outside of my control. I'm trying my best to be the best that I can be and it took until now for me to let go of everyone else's opinionated comments. Everyone has a point of view and everyone has their opinion to offer but its down to me to make those things true or not. I'm not the only person to be affected by such things. But the following goes to those who are supposedly are my "friends" and yes, those who are my "family"...... KEEP YOUR OPINIONS OF WHAT TO YOU SEE TO YOURSELF!! I tried so hard to explain myself and to help people understand my actions but you nod your heads in sarcasm cause you turn to everyone else and make another claim to me or about me to everyone else. Think thoroughly on all that you have to say and ask yourself: why am I saying this? Is my "advice" in par with my experience? If not, shut the hell up and swallow it. You all have brought me down to the deepest and darkest part of my inner being where I am shattered.

Unfortunately, in my years, I've had too many "friends" like this. They caused me to be very paranoid with everyone I'm with and I'm not letting you make any gesture for what is wrong with me or what I should do. You'll have me killed by your terms. The greatest treasure in my life is my deepest and truest love because she knows me. She understands me. She loves me and doesn't judge. We aren't perfect but we are the closest thing to it. We work. We communicate to a point of insanity that nothing, I mean NOTHING is kept from one another. I have the tremendous honor, matter of fact, I have the biggest blessing of falling in love with my best friend.

I say this clearly now so all may see. I WILL NOT, you all are witness, WILL NOT let the BLESSING SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS CAUSE OF ANY OF YOUR ACTIONS!! Things were tough and actions were taken for a hope to better things but fact is, I never left I stood here waiting and I'll wait an eternity if I must. I LOVE HER in the deepest, purest and unbreakable way imaginable. She is my true friend, she is my deepest love, she is my Queen.

So this is me saying that I've hit rock bottom and look out cause I'm coming up and there is NO STOPPING ME!!!

I CAN READ!!!!!

ok. So, to be honest, I've never been quiet the reading type. Not in school or anything. I just didn't enjoy it. Leave it to a certain someone *points at Tina* to get me reading. I learned that its not that I didn't like reading. I just didn't like crappy books. My dear friends have advised some reading materials and BAM!! I'm reading like crazy. I even got a Nook now. Right? Amazing. So my thanks to Tina for helping me get in touch with my reader side and thanks to my homeboy Mari for getting me in "The Hunger Games". Haven't heard of it. Highly EPICALLY recommended as a MUST READ like this VERY FLIPPIN' SECOND!!! lol. *deep breath* Sorry. Got a little excited there. That series is that good =D ...... ok ok. Thats it for now but stay tuned for more stuff soon cause like always, you guys are Semper in Corde Meo ;-)

Muahz. Keep reading peoples =D

There Is Hope

There are times where we ourselves admit that there is a part of us that has been lost. A part that we miss but we've been hurt to the point that we thought it best to discard it. I had such a part. I've been hurt one too many times and I gave up for a long, long time but little did I know that inspiration and hope was waiting for me at the corner. I was walking my usual way..... head down and hands in pocket. Something laid in my path blocking my passage. First thing I saw was these white Nike sneakers. They didn't budge, just stood firm where they laid. A hand slipped under my chin. The softest and warmest touch lifted my eyes upward. And I looked up ...... I can't forget that smile. Perfect sincere smile with a hint of shy laughter. I was stunned. I then looked into those captivating brown eyes of hope. Hope never looked so beautiful. This was hope that life was worth living to the fullest and not going through the routines. I never thought that hope could find me but.....thankfully it did. I thank you. You helped me see that anything is possible and helped me come back to life. I am complete now. I want to share with the world this inspiring hope that everyone will get in their lifetime. Its our job to grab hold of it and never let go. Thats what I did and thats what I'm doing. I hope I can bring this same rejuvenating feeling to someone else. Maybe I have and don't know it but I'm not stopping. Either way, I'm giving life my all and I'm have hope and love by my side at all times. FYFM

Semper in Corde Meo
Jes

Welcome

So this isn't much but I hope you feel welcomed.

I heard a great phrase from a dear friend of mine that a great way to be heard and to help oneself is to write like no one is reading.

Those few words inspired me to go back to a side of me I've longed for a long, long time. A side of me thats fearless and thats never been hurt. The side of me who wrote what he saw. Wrote what he felt. Wrote what he lived. So I hope you can tag along as we make a relentless effort to be stronger, to be heard, and to TRULY be ourselves.

Semper in Corde Meo is Latin for "Forever in My Heart"

This phrase is true. For every battle won and every battle lost has fortified my heart to be the strongest it can be.

This phrase is true. For I am always indebted to the friends I have and their vital role in my life. I wish to be the same to all. Love you all dearly and may you find a sanctuary in my heart as well as your own